It's 2.30plus a.m. over here and I am barely sleepy.Wide eyed, bright eyed; I can't help but wonder if my life is going down the same 'I-want-it-so-bad-but-can't-have-it' spiral as it did before; dragging husband along with me.
In less than 48 hours, we will cease to have a home. Yes, I know. It's not literally my house being a rental and all that, but for two years I made it a home. My presence made it something else, something more...tangible, perhaps? And after we got married and husband moved in, it was finally complete. Living in an apartment alone for a year I learnt a lot about myself. I learnt that it really is okay to be alone and it is really okay if you do enjoy being alone. Living in an apartment with husband I learnt a lot about us. I learnt that it is really okay to be together and be silent. Togetherness is not defined by noise, rather defined by just being together.
I sometimes can't help but wonder if the desire that I have for achieving things, whether that very desire actually comes in the way? Actually no, maybe not desire...I think 'wanting' is the correct word. There have been so many times that I have with all my....urgh....powers? might? Whatever, wanted something so badly that at the end I didn't get it. I am wondering that right now, if the same thing is going to occur to me again? But this time, I am not the only person it affects. This time, I still want it badly but I am attempting to let everything go to the powers that be, to just let it BE. Let it happen. *chants repeatedly* Let my contentedly mundane happy life continue. *prays silently* I've rode far too many rollercoasters in this life to even want to go on one last ride. *cue vomit*
I am infinitely grateful for having a wonderful husband and with him such wonderful in laws. I am constantly in amazement of all the kindness that they possess. I hope that this time spent under their roof will teach me kindness, whichever way it be. Osmosis, I think will be best. I'm too lazy to learn it any other way.